[Update on Fr. Francis Mary Stone aka David Stone]
I received this email from a reader and thought the questions and answers would be helpful to others:
I met this girl 2006 - she took my adult CCD class (I use the CCC, The Bible & Papal Documents; I try to be very orthodox).
She was confirmed (she was never a practicing Catholic). Went to ________ to finishing schooling (PHD). She met a young priest (35 she was 28), got close to him and for about 7 months had an affair with him (slept with him).
In 2007 (to “run away” form the situation) she came back we started talking (I didn’t know all this) and we started dating in 2008. On May 19th she told me everything about her past, not only this affair but her other relationships (9 others) and she’s had an abortion. It was huge and it took me awhile to digest.
We’re back to dating - I believe her conversion but… So now, we’re dating and she’s great (Mass every day, confession every two weeks, Rosary, apologetics, conservative, etc.) but I keep telling myself that maybe this is too much for me to deal with (because I think about it so much and I wish she hadn’t done that).
How common is this and should I have to deal with it? My family grew up around priest (always at our house, etc.), kind of old school. We’ve known priests who have done this and they are no longer priest? I’ve told her to write a letter to his bishop and cc him.
Dear Reader,
Wow. There’s a lot going on with your situation!
The one thing to remember for all parties involved is that with God’s grace and mercy and Our Lady’s intercession, we can turn defeat into victory. Alice von Hildebrand often mentions this. I’ll provide you with resources in response to your main thoughts:
- Should you date her after all that
- What about the abortion (unrelated to the priest?)
- What to do about the priest
Is this too much for you to deal with? You’re not the only guy in history to have thought that. St. Joseph needed a Divine nudge to take the unmarried, pregnant Mary as his wife, and she was sinless! Your girlfriend did the right thing in opening up to you and confessing her past. She is probably counting on you to NOT freak out and bolt. If anything, she’ll need your support more now that she’s made herself vulnerable to you. If she’s confessed all this and made her peace with God, she may still find it difficult to forgive herself.
What about the abortion? If you read the testimonies from the Priests for Life site, you’ll see that the psychological and emotional effects of having had an abortion may not manifest until a few years after the abortion. That’s why it’s very important for you and your girlfriend to connect with solid resources such as Rachel’s Vineyard and Hope After Abortion. OK, now for the biggie . . .
What do you do about the priest? Since we are not privy to the specific circumstances of the affair between your girlfriend and the priest, it’s best to mention your concerns to a canon lawyer. He or she can help you address your letter to the priest’s bishop in the most just fashion. A good place to start is The Saint Joseph Foundation.
As with any other human, a priest’s behavior can range from completely innocent to merely stupid to profoundly evil. Unfortunately with the current abuse crisis hysteria in the news, many bishops have been spooked into adopting a zero-tolerance policy. An accused priest is thrown out without due process even if he is found to be completely innocent with the accuser recanting later.
To make sure that your girlfriend doesn’t get the runaround from the diocese and to encourage the local bishop to deal with the accused priest in a just manner, I encourage contacting a canon lawyer first.
I’ll mention a few ideas that will probably have nothing to do with your situation but can help other readers.
Not too long ago, many of us were stunned to learn from Fr. Francis Mary Stone that he needed to leave EWTN and his order to discern his vocation. He announced this quite publicly, and the only reason I mention this is because of the good advice that ensued from faithful priests.
When a priest is tempted to fall for a woman . . . he should read this advice from Fr. John Trigilio
Here are some comments from Father Joe’s Blog on the issue of affairs with priests. Particularly enlightening to the laity, especially to women, is this Q&A:
Question from his reader:
Father Joe, I have question concerning “Often he will not and should not tell the woman why they cannot remain associates or “friends”.”
Why should a priest not be honest with the woman? If he pushes her aside with no explanation, she may think she has done something wrong (sinned) to hurt or offend him, when she has not. Perhaps, she did not lead him on. We (adults, single, celibate, married, whatever) are beyond the age of innocence, yet we do not always “do” anything that makes another desire us sexually. The priest has take a lifetime vow of celibacy. Has he also promised not to be so aloof that may hurt another person, when a simple explanation could clear up the problem, as far as the woman going her way, so as not to be a “stumbling block” to him?
Response from Father Joe:
“Why should a priest not be honest with the woman?”
Priests are often shy men who live in their heads. They may feel a great many things that they do not express. While priests may express fatherly love or the more general love of a shepherd to his flock, it would not do for a priest to confess “romantic” love to a woman. I base this upon the experiences of many priests who thought they had to be honest before making distance between themselves and a woman they cared “too much” about. More so than not, it can touch reciprocal emotions in the woman and matters can quickly esculate. It is best that she never know how he really felt. Unfortunately, they can also begin to lie to themselves, that they can keep this love under control.
“If he pushes her aside with no explanation, she may think she has done something wrong (sinned) to hurt or offend him, when she has not.”
Yes, she might feel hurt. This sometimes happens, but it cannot be helped. It is for the sake of both their souls that he must keep silent. He can assure her that she has done nothing wrong, and maybe tell her that the demands of ministry require more of his time. This is true, his priesthood requires that he spend less time with her. He can also explain in a vague manner, that he wants to return to the spirit of detachment that he was taught in seminary so as to better focus on his spousal love to the Church and to his prayerlife as a priest. But he should not tell her, “I love you.” What he feels for her may not even be reciprocal; it does not matter. He might never get over her and will have to take this burning love with him to the grave– so be it. He must allow her to find joy in the company and embrace of another man, no matter how much he sacrifices personally. Promises are made to be kept.
“Perhaps, she did not lead him on?”
“We (adults, single, celibate, married, whatever) are beyond the age of innocence, yet we do not always ‘do’ anything that makes another desire us sexually.”
She did not have to, at least not intentionally. He might simply have fallen in love with the person she was. Priests are especially vulnerable or sensitive to nice girls who practice and know their faith: going to Mass, saying their prayers, practicing both modesty and chastity, etc. They are everything a religious man of strong values would hope to find. He sees in her a true helpmate and a wonderful potential mother for a family. Many people these days discourage priests and tear them down. Such a lady builds him up and tells him that he is important and needed. He will quickly make friends and before long loving her will be as easy as breathing. Her joy will become more important to him than his regular duties. Trouble is brewing!
We are sexual beings. Priests like all men are constantly dealing with sexual feelings and thoughts. His need for intimacy when turned toward such a girl will not subtract the sexual elements. If the relationship becomes increasing exclusive, then he must make the hard decisions about what to do next. Hopefully, the priest did nothing to lead the woman on.
Young priests in particular can be very innocent. This is also a component that quickly resonates with the innocence of a woman who cherishes her virginity and values. They see in each other something of themselves, and the potentiality for a best friend. But can a priest have a woman as his best friend? I have trouble in seeing it. Fr. Groeschel used to recommend that priests make friends with women whom they find particularly unattractive. This way they develop that side of their personalities that must interact with females, but by lessening any possible dangers. That is why some priests reserve their closer female relationships to matronly or elderly women. Older priests might also have some friendships with young women for whom they have fatherly feelings. However, caution must be used because while young men like young women, so do old men.
“The priest has taken a lifetime vow of celibacy. Has he also promised not to be so aloof that may hurt another person, when a simple explanation could clear up the problem, as far as the woman going her way, so as not to be a ’stumbling block’ to him?”
YES, a priest has taken a lifetime vow or promise of celibacy.
But, to be honest, he did not make promises about the rest. Some priests are aloof and they remain that way to survive. Others are better at relationships and limits. I am all for simple explanations, but in many of these situations the explanations are really not so simple and can lead to a host of additional problems. Rarely is it a case of the woman going her way, unless she sees the problem and nobly makes a move before the priest does to preserve his vocation. What usually happens is that a priest, consulting his spiritual director and/or confessor, will seek a new assignment. It is often too hard for the priest to remain in a parish and regularly see a woman with whom he wants to share time and intimacy. He goes on with his life and she goes on with hers. He does not go out of his way to be mean or nasty. He will no doubt bless her and keep her in prayer. But he might also never see or talk with her again. And if he does, then he must bear his pain of loss in silence.
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